na·ive [nah-eev] adjective
having or showing a lack of experience, judgment, or information; credulous: She’s so naive she believes everything she reads.
It’s easy to see looking through the rear-view mirror that one of my biggest life lessons is trust. Who to trust. When to trust. How to trust.
My problem? I trust people too much. It might be just a symptom of my optimistic nature, but I believe in the inherent goodness of every human being.
And yes, it’s my firm stance that we’re all doing the best we know how to do. Given our circumstances. That people don’t really want to screw other people over. That it just happens because they don’t know any other way.
And THAT is what usually gets me into trouble.
A Trust Lesson From My First Year in Business
Here’s what happened: I started out working from home like most of us do. But it wasn’t long before I found myself traveling back and forth to the local Starbucks (and shelling out bucks for their brilliant coffee) three or four times a day.
I quickly calculated (yes, I have been known to do math) that with the money I was spending on gas, coffee and muffins — not to mention the TIME I spent driving there and back — I could downsize my apartment, lease an office and come out ahead of the game.
So I began my search for the perfect space. I checked Craigslist. I asked my colleagues at the local business mixers. I drove around hoping to find a For Lease sign in my favorite buildings.
And then it happened. A woman I had known in one of my networking groups said she had a small office coming up for rent. Did I want to take a look? It was directly across from the post office and had it’s own free parking behind the building. Oh, and it was just 3 blocks from the ocean.
Of course I wanted to look. She gave me the tour and we talked about the rent. It was very affordable.
Yes, I could paint the walls whatever color I liked (as long as it wasn’t black). Yes, I would get my business name added to the directory signage at no cost. And the best part (according to her)? There was no long-term lease.
No-sirree. This bad boy was a month-to-month kind of gig.
Now, I’m not totally naive. I know what can happen with a month-to-month lease. So yes, I voiced my concerns and asked why we couldn’t do at least a 1-year thingy. My “friend” told me that’s just the way they had always done it. That the owner liked it that way. And that there was absolutely no need to worry because the other tenants had been there for years and there’d never been an issue.
“Really, honey. You’ll be fine! We’re like family here!” (<– In hindsight, I should’ve noticed the Red Flags = “we’re like family” and all those exclamation points.)
So I signed on the dotted line. Gave her my money, and then skipped off to Lowe’s to look at paint chips. Over the weekend, my best friend and I rolled out three coats of lime green paint (my accent wall!) and then I paid the movers to do their thing.
Now, if you’ve ever opened an office, you know there are a few other items you need to pay for:
- Business cards and stationery
- Signage (for my door)
- Telephone and Internet installation
- Post card announcements
- Advertising in the local paper
- An open-house celebration/ribbon-cutting event complete with swag bags and enough food and drink to feed an army
And that’s just what I remember off the top of my head. Let’s just agree that a lot of time and money went into this one, shall we?
And then…(can you guess what happened next?)
No. They didn’t ask me to leave. They raised my rent!
They sent me a lovely little note that said they’d decided to convert the entire building into executive suites.
Which in English means they would provide furnished offices complete with equipment, utilities and a front desk operator in exchange for about three times more than I was already paying each and every month.
I choked. I cried. I wrung my hands. I complained to my community leaders. The local Chamber of Commerce was appalled.
Everyone agreed: those owners had totally f-ed me over. Not to mention my “friend” in the leasing office.
It came out later that she knew what shenanigans they had in store. Oy, if you can’t trust the folks you hang out in Rotary with, who can you trust?
Legally? There wasn’t anything I could do. In the end, I was able to get a 3-month extension on that 30-day notice. Just enough time for me to find a suitable replacement office (this time I got a 3-year lease, baby!) and do the whole thing over again.
Albeit, with a much smaller version of the ribbon cutting.
My best friend consoled me with, “Well, it’ll make a good story for that book you’re gonna to write someday.” A couple of glasses of wine later and I saw her point.
In the end, I was actually glad to be in my new office. It was bigger (for the same amount I’d been paying at the other place), had a better view of the ocean (if you walked down to the end of the hall and stuck your head out the side door you could see the entire coastline), and the bathroom was never out of order (a fact that plagues the other building to this day).
And just so you know, when I got the lease from the new landlord, I paid to have it reviewed by an attorney who was able to point out some iffy spots I could (and did) negotiate to my advantage. So it was an expensive lesson, yes. But I learned it. Or so, I thought.
There are Always More Pickles
Little ones. Like the clients who negotiate a payment plan with you and then disappear.
Or Big ones. Like the contracts you sign that are SO not in your favor.
And then? Sometimes the pickle is SO big, it acts like a Bear.
The truth is that if you’re on this planet, there will be pickles. And if you’re on this planet running a small business, you will have more than your fair share of these little cucumber friends. Perhaps someday, I’ll write about book about business pickles and tell you about every last one of mine.
The Trick is to See them for What they are: Gifts
I wasn’t always this wise. Believe me. It’s taken nearly 50 years for me to get that when something jumps up and kicks me in the face, it’s an opportunity for me to do several things:
1. Learn something. Review the thing like any football coach would review last week’s game reel and take a close look at what you did right and what you could’ve done better.
2. Practice Clarification. It’s never a good idea to hold in all that anger. But I also wouldn’t recommend you put on your shit-kickers and go stomp somebody’s head in, either. Stand up for yourself, yes! But do it with grace and clarity. Let the other person know that you know they could’ve done better by you. Clarify exactly what went wrong (from your point of view) and ask them to clarify things from their perspective. Request restitution. And stand strong in your convictions. But also — know when to walk away.
3. Practice Forgiveness. It’s pointless to hold a grudge. When the horrors of war are over, forgive everyone — yourself included — for the missteps. Then, breathe out and let the whole thing go (knowing that you will do MUCH better when a similar situation presents itself. Cuz it definitely will).
4. Find the Silver Lining. Usually you won’t have to look too hard before you find at least one. “Better” isn’t really hard to notice. Just trust that it’s going to show up. It might be a cliché, but in my experience, it’s usually true: when one door closes, another one opens.
What about you? What business trials or tribulations have you weathered? And what did you learn? Share your story in a comment below so we can all find the gifts together.
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Im surprised you let me into the Alpha group,being an executive suite owner! It’s a nice little story lesson and it happens sometimes that people we trust let us down. Yes, I usually think Rotary=Ethical also. But apart from having the odd moan, in the end I think we are responsible for our deals and we learn from them. Like Nicole, even when I do business with family I write it out – not as a legal contract but to make sure we both understand the same thing. How many times do you hear “Oh, I thought you said…”. Once I loaned money to a family member for no interest and they took their own sweet time to pay me back, preferring to do house improvements and take a vacation in between. I felt used (similar to your experience over the office). From this I learned to loan money at full interest, which I will fully refund to them (promised in writing) if they repay the loan on a certain agreed date. It has been a very satisfactory way of helping people out.When really bad things happen I believe the silver lining is we can help someone else with our wisdome from this experience or at least empathise with someone in the same boat. You are an example of generosity, it obviously has not soured you!
I’m very much a silver-lining kind of guy. When the chips are down, I want to find everything I can to learn about a situation – a) so I can avoid repeating the same stupid mistakes and b) so I can teach others how to avoid it also.Seems so simple, but you really just can’t trust people to do the right things anymore. They have to be guided, especially when there’s money, ego, sex, or something else worthwhile involved.I tend to recommend folks steer toward Coworking groups when they want office space. Unless they work on the phone or are very noisy, Coworking is usually a grand idea. Then again, I work out of my basement – painted a very Tea-like HARD HAT BRIGHT ORANGE. 😀
Tea I could read your posts for the imagery alone. The pickles are awesome (in fact I want one despite the fact it’s 10 a.m.)I’m a stickler on contracts, at least as email that confirms the agreement. I tell people I even sign contracts with my own family – whom I trust very much. I’m glad you included practice forgiveness. Forgiving isn’t forgetting. Its not being a doormat, its simply letting go of all that negativity and getting on with your life.
Great post and a great reminder that it’s important to stay true to who YOU are while assessing (to the best of your ability) if a person is really showing you their truth. And I TOTALLY agree with Annie about the cognitive disconnect. Something we would never dream of doing to a person is simply another task in the day to someone else. It doesn’t feel great when it slaps you in the face, but it happens more than I would like to see, that’s for sure. Thanks for sharing your story and the point that pickles are just part of life, but with a little practice, you can minimize the garlicky punch!
EggsACTly, my friend!
This post so resonated with me, Tea. Not that I have had a boatload of pickles, 🙂 but the trust and naive thingy. I am a self-proclaimed Pollyanna and proud of it. There’s not a glass I don’t see as half full.A lesson that has stuck with me for a very long time came from a mentor and friend. I was complaining to her (after a particularly bad attack of sour pickle juice) that I thought I would never get used to the idea that others could do some of the things they did. Her response was, Cathy, don’t ever get used to it because that will change who you are as a person.So, learn from it, find the silver lining, but let Pollyanna live on.Thanks for a great lesson and story, Tea.
Wow. Just. wow. As I’m reading this, I can totally see myself falling for the whole schtick… of course, anyone who calls me “honey” is usually off my list before they can utter the second syllable, but still… someone wouldn’t REALLY screw you over, would they?? They wouldn’t lie and take advantage of you WOULD THEY??? Turns out, yup, they would. The other thing I kept thinking was “my husband totally wouldn’t have fallen for this.” I wonder if that’s a guy thing? He would never have settled for a month to month. Never have trusted someone to back his interests. I don’t know if it’s a super BS meter or just an inherent cynicism, but I fall on the same side of the spectrum as you – I believe in people’s goodness and kindness and honesty. On the plus side, there really ARE good people. And on the other plus side, we can find opportunity among the pickles. (there will be pickles… is that the chef’s version of there will be blood??? Got a chuckle out of that one)It’s awesome that you bring up forgiveness. It’s really for our own sanity that we have to let go and keep trusting in the good. I have to practice now because this whole rent thing kinda pissed me off! 🙂
Oh the ‘friends’ of the business world! Every couple years or so, I seem to have to re-learn the lesson that every freelance job I take on, no matter how small, I MUST have a contract. The first time I learned this, I got burned by a cafe in Ventura. They had hired me to take photos of a new event they were launching, and had promised to compensate, so I toddled on in with my camera, took a ton of pictures, and then edited and delivered them on a CD the very next day with my invoice. Upon seeing the invoice, I was informed that being allowed into the event WAS my compensation! Nothing like going to a ‘club’ to work for 6 hours and not get paid!
Well, talk about ‘with friends like these’, Tea! I like your takeaways, though – there’s a lesson in everything and the best thing to do is find it and learn it so you don’t repeat the same mistakes. As for the forgiveness part, it’s the way to go, though not always easy depending on the level of betrayal.
oh wow Tea! What a big life lesson for your first office. Just like you though to see the four wonderful life lessons in it all — learn, clarify, forgive (the best one!) and find the silver lining. I especially get the forgive yourself. Hard to do sometimes but so very important to progress and future success. Also maintaining your faith in people and then you get rewarded with the good ones!
Sneaky indeed. With friends like that ey…It’s stories like this, though, that make me more excited about my potential project. It all ended for the best and lots of lessons learned. It’s a great assurance for a young gun like me :)Matthew (Turndog Millionaire)
Why are we always so surprised when people act badly to preserve their own interests? I think it’s because most of us would never act that way – but for some of us, there’s a huge cognitive disconnect in play. My tendency is to forgive quickly and then forget … until the next time they do it to me. Walking that line is hard to do. But the bottom line is we’ll always experience problems caused by others – whether by mistake or active malfeasance, as in your case, Tea – and the only constructive thing we can do is just what you suggest: Process it and make it of value to you, then put it way, way behind you. Great post, Tea.
Oh, snap! I can’t believe a friend would do that kind of thing! I tend to trust people right out the gate, too – right up until they screw me over, and then I’m always hurt and surprised. I think another good lesson to take away from this post is that you don’t have to be guarded and wary of everyone, even after you’ve been burned a few times. Everyone is an individual and they’ve all got their different Stuff.