I have a confession.
I used to think I was an extrovert.
After all, I’ve never had qualms about speaking in public. I’ve never felt anxiety around being the new kid in the room.
And there was a time in my self-employed career when I was sure that my perfect job would consist of nothing but attending events, shaking hands and getting to know people.
That is — as long as I didn’t have to actually sell anything.
As soon as you add the word “sales” to the mix, a tiny part of me shuts down.
Even if the wonderful thing I’m selling is me.
Then, one day (via an online test I’m sure I found on Facebook) I learned I’m actually an introverted extrovert. (Or, if you prefer, an extroverted introvert.)
I love teaching, visiting and building new relationships — but I need lots of personal time to recharge my batteries.
And if I’m not super careful, I can slip into a semi-hibernation state of happy-to-work-from-home for weeks at a time.
(Especially now that I’ve got real live people living in my house.)
The desire or “need” to write a blog post, fix something on my website, or respond to just one more email makes it so nice to stay put.
So yes, most days, I love my cozy yoga pants more than the privilege of talking with someone heart-to-heart, eyeball-to-eyeball. It’s just plain easier.
Maybe you can relate?
Do you feel like it’s simpler and faster to text than to talk?
To email someone than to call?
To post something on Facebook versus writing someone a letter?
Do you prefer your perfectly coiffed avatar to your real-life image?
You’re not alone.
There’s a LOT of us who feel that way. And the interesting thing is that we’re not even teenagers.
Does that make us all introverts? Or just shy? And do you think it hurts your ability to attract and build new professional relationships?
I’m thinking, yes. Yes, it does.
Look, there’s no denying technology is incredibly useful. (What the hell did we do before we had the internet?!)
But there are a few drawbacks.
While we might be communicating faster, the depth of our personal connections has been all but lost.
All those ties we’ve created online? The fans, the friends, the followers? They’re generally weak ties.
Which means they’re great for sharing new opportunities and information, but not so much for generating real action.
How many of your Facebook friends are likely to bring you soup when you’re sick?
Exactly.
And it’s because the sheer number of people online (who’ve brought their marketing noise with them) is at an all-time high.
It’s more likely that in today’s online world, you’ll be tuned out than noticed for the unique individual you are.
Real action (the kind you want from customers) requires real trust.
Real caring. Deeper, more meaningful relationships.
The kind that tends to develop when two people are in the same room, looking each other in the eye.
Granovetter, the author of The Strength of Weak Ties, agrees:
I get it. There are pros and cons to building a business online vs. offline.
When I started my first business in 2006, I built it mostly without the help of digital or online strategies.
My process was simple: attend at least one event per week. (At the very beginning, it was closer to one event per day.)
My goal was to meet as many people as I could and plug into the community. To understand who knew whom. To find out who the movers and shakers were and where the real business happened.
Within a year, most business folks across the entire county at least knew who I was. And? I was exhausted.
I knew I needed a different approach.
When I moved to San Jose, I left my extensive network (mostly) behind.
And knowing that I might move again someday soon, I decided to build the next iteration of my business online. I wanted ease and portability more than anything.
Three and half years later, I’ve learned that digital noise levels make building a biz solely online an equally exhausting battle.
The answer lies somewhere safely in between.
Now that I’m settled in Portland, it’s time to find that balance.
I’m back to attending (at least weekly) an outside-the-house event. Making eye-contact with humans. Listening to their stories.
It’s amazing how much you can learn about people if you truly listen.
And it’s even more incredible how quickly people respond after you’ve spent quality time really hearing them.
As an introverted extrovert, how do I get there? By seeking out (surprise, surprise) meetings that include a meal.
Look, if you consider yourself even the tiniest bit shy, if you hate the idea of giving your elevator speech one more blessed time, there are lots of ways to work around your fears.
But there’s something special about breaking bread with others that helps us truly relax and open up.
Pass the salt?
My theory is that the physical acts of dishing up food, passing condiments and cutting our meat into bite-size pieces allow us to feel more at home with each other.
When our brains have something physical to focus on, the nervousness subsides. We’re willing to be just a bit more vulnerable with each other.
And that’s when our relationships deepen, blossom and grow.
When we sit together at one table, a community manifests. There’s no question that we all belong. << (Click to Tweet)
When I figured that out, I knew I had to make this a pillar activity of my business.
It’s why I’ve created an in-person event that involves cooking and eating together.
The idea has rolled around in my brain for months. Earlier this year, I finally made the commitment: The Storytelling Soiree is happening!
Yes, we’ll be working on various aspects of our marketing messages. But more importantly, we’ll be connecting. Creating strong ties that’ll bind us to each other as well as to our missions.
Your presence there will make this event even better. Please join us. << Visit this page for a chance to win a pair of tickets to the Soiree!
I’ve found the perfect space and we’ll keep this one small (just 50 people).
There’ll be lots of engaging learning activities as well as opportunities for you to connect and strengthen ties with others.
Come hang out with your friends and colleagues. Come share a story around the campfire.
I promise you won’t be disappointed.
And if you can’t come to Portland, find an event in your neighborhood that includes a sit-down meal. It’s time to eat!
This post is part of the May 2014 Word Carnival. Our theme this month entails the hows and whys to getting off your computer and out into the real world. For more ideas, visit WordCarnivals.com.
More From Story Bistro:
We’re Brokenhearted and Helpless. Here’s How We Turn that Around…
Style, Grace and Guest Posting Etiquette
The Un-Sexy Side of Internet Marketing
Your Signature Dish: How to Create a Product or Service that Sizzles AND Satisfies
A Business Paradox: Slow Down to Speed Up
You Don’t Need to Be Seduced (And Neither Do Your Clients)
Features vs. Benefits: The Stories that Produce Sales
Hey, no fair using a picture of me at any social event in your blog post! That is precisely how I feel. Being 6′ tall doesn’t help, but of course, it’s 99% in my mind.
Really love the idea of cooking together. Being engaged in a common task takes so much pressure off as far as conversation-making goes. You should come to North Carolina and host one. 🙂
Amazon women unite! (Did you know that I’m also 6′ tall?) And I would LOVE to come to NC. I’ve got another colleague who lives out there and it would be SO fun to see you all in person.
I didn’t! We could put on our heels and turn some heads. 🙂 This is the time of year to come – just an FYI!
Love emails, hate phone calls – that’s definitely me. Sometimes I have to force myself to step out of my self-imposed box and it’s never as bad as I think it will be. I love the idea of a networking event built around food – sounds fab!
I wish you lived closer, Sharon. (Or, that I lived closer to YOU!) I’m sure we’d have a blast sharing a meal and conversation.
Yes, that WOULD be fun!
The PERFECT question …
“How many of your Facebook friends are likely to bring you soup when you’re sick?” Uh … that would be exactly zero. (Not that some of my closest online friends wouldn’t bring me soup if they resided nearby, mind you.) 🙂 But I get your point and it’s very well taken.
I can’t remember how long ago it was when I came online – probably close to a decade ago. Boy, oh, boy has the noise level heightened! I’m starting to feel like my blog is a mere speck in the universe. Didn’t used to feel that way. It’s getting a lot tougher to garner attention via the internet. And all those lovely (alleged) online marketing experts can kiss my fanny! I’m sick of the rhetoric and their stale messages.
Without hesitation, the time is right and ripe for getting back to basics! The basics of being human. Nothing beats the chance to embrace, converse, and dine together. Wishing you the very best of success with your summer soiree!
I learned something fun today by catching your post. I now believe I’m an extroverted introvert. (Bet that title would look impressive on my LinkedIn profile) LOL!
Thanks for chiming in, Melanie. I always love to hear from you.
And yes, you should *definitely* put that title on your Linkedin profile!
I am so on board with this. For me sending emails is so much easier. I say a very succinct thing that I want to say and go about my business. But if I have to talk to people it’s blah blah blah this and blah blah blah that. And you have to pretend to be nice and UGH! But I make an effort to call people and have at least that much connection – not because I want to but because whenever I do I’m glad I did. Same with meeting. Ugh, no, I do NOT want to have coffee with you! But ok, fine, I will get pants. And then it is very good.
The internet has sucked the life out of relationships. It’s really nice in some ways because I get to keep in daily touch with people I wouldn’t otherwise. On a personal level, I text my brothers all day. But I see them what, once every six months? And then we get in a room and we’re like oh, is that what you’re like!?
Anyway, business connections are forged in real life with real people. As for how many of my Facebook friends would bring me chicken soup if I was sick? If you count the fact that my husband is on that list… zero. Unless it can be delivered as takeout 😉
I’m sorry to hear that Ralph isn’t the chicken soup kind of guy. (Although I’ve seen evidence online that he does enjoy time in the kitchen — so maybe he can make you some healing cupcakes or waffles instead?) If I lived closer to you, I would SO bring you soup, CL. Just so you know!
Aw, somehow I know you would 🙂 And yes, I could probably get a cupcake out of Ralph. He’s good like that.
“How many of your Facebook friends are likely to bring you soup when you’re sick?”
This sentence really jumped out at me. If our Facebook friends feel distanced from us (even the friends we’ve known for years, etc.), how do potential clients feel when they come across us online? What would make a potential client cross that line into feeling like what we’re selling has real value to them?
I agree that it all comes down to either the personal referral or meeting. Since today’s world is so digital, I have a theory that people are starting to crave more tangible, real relationships with small businesses—especially “solopreneuers.”
It’s interesting: since my business offers copyediting and copywriting, I get two different sets of clients coming through the door. My copyediting clients never ask to meet up in person; they instantly recognize that I can help them, and just want the work done ASAP. My copywriting clients *always* want to meet in person before moving forward with a project (and I prefer to as well). They want to get to know me—to see what I have to offer, and whether or not I “click” with them.
Yes, that’s exactly the challenge I hope to solve, Molly. (The ‘what would make a potential client cross that line into feeling what we’re selling has real value to them?’ challenge.) Not just with the Soiree, but with other (online) projects, too. We may have to try a little harder and slow down a bit, but I’m positive that online relationships have real potential for us, too.
I think they call a person who swings between an introvert and an extrovert an omnivert. I’ve kept the concept of strong vs weak ties in my mind since the first time I heard you mention it – and how it’s important to have both.
Now, to be honest, most days I’d much rather saw off my own arm than go to a meeting or call someone. Calls especially, because even when you set expectations and drop-dead times and everything else you can possibly do, you’re tied to that phone. You can’t do anything else until you’re done. And it drives me up a wall.
Same thing with networking most of the time. Or talking to people in person. Actually, any time I have to venture out of my office to work, or away from my porch when I’m working outside, is not generally time I enjoy.
Travel time to meetings is also very frustrating because after updating my iPhone to a 5, it no longer works with my car dock and so it’s really difficult to listen to audio books without buying yet-another-damn-adapter.
First world problems, I know – but still. I’d much rather never have to travel to another client meeting again. The people are wonderful, the clients are wonderful, the traffic and actually mentally prepping myself to leave my workspace and be unproductive for time that would otherwise be very fruitful is totally frustrating.
Give me a walk around my neighborhood any day.
Yep! I’m so spoiled not having to drive in traffic. I used to do a 1+ hour commute in my younger days but now I can’t imagine having to regularly leave the house. Ugh!
Well I’ve learned I’m extroverted extrovert. I’d much rather call than text, FB, or whatnot. The only thing that beats calling is meeting in person (although admittedly there are days I prefer the call so I can stay in casual clothes). I leave events reinvigorated, full of energy and ideas.
However, like you, there was a time I was living in a place I knew wasn’t permanent, and in my case fairly remote. The only viable option to grow my business was using social media. Interesting enough, when I moved to the Twin Cities I was finally able to meet a Twitter connection in person for the first time – we met for lunch. A few years later and we’re close colleagues and great friends.
It’s SO much fun to meet a social media connection IRL, right? I feel blessed now that I’m in Portland. More people tend to pass through here on vacations and so will look me up. I’ve had several deep and lovely conversations with folks who I’d only known before online. It rocks!
Yes, it is amazing to see the magic that happens when we listen and I especially love the idea of breaking bread at the same time. I forgot how much attending those types of meetings can make all the difference. Matter of fact the last one I attended included Lunch and it was a great experience…hmmm gonna be specific next time!
I love the idea of the storytelling soiree! That’s something new and different. I do need to start going to more networking events – once a week is about my upper limit, too. I should probably get over my phone issues but…one thing at a time.
I really love your idea of combining business and breaking bread. Who doesn’t love to eat?
I have done both online and offline networking and both can be just as exhausting. Balance is definitely the key. By the way, San Jose is where I grew up! 🙂